Masking & Camouflaging in Your ASD Partner

Posted by Mark Hutten, M.A.

Masking & Camouflaging in Your ASD Partner

Click to enlarge the diagram.

Autistic people often learn from an early age that the world expects them to act in ways that do not feel natural. Many adapt by masking or camouflaging — intentionally hiding their authentic behaviors to appear more “neurotypical.” Masking can involve:

Forcing eye contact when it feels uncomfortable
Suppressing stimming behaviors like rocking or hand-flapping
Rehearsing social scripts in advance
Copying gestures, tone, or slang from peers
Smiling or laughing even when confused or distressed

While masking may help autistic people avoid bullying, discrimination, or conflict, it comes at a heavy cost: exhaustion, loss of identity, heightened anxiety, and eventual autistic burnout.

In marriage, masking can create additional complexities. An autistic spouse may mask in public but unmask at home, leaving their partner confused about the “two versions” they see. The non-autistic spouse may interpret unmasking as rejection or indifference, when in fact it is a sign of trust and vulnerability.

By understanding masking, couples can reduce misunderstandings, create safe zones for authenticity, and build a deeper, more compassionate partnership.

Five Key Takeaways

Masking is a survival strategy, not dishonesty.
Long-term masking is strongly linked to exhaustion, depression, and burnout.
Unmasking around a spouse is a gesture of trust, not rejection.
Creating safe spaces for authenticity strengthens intimacy.
Couples thrive when they balance adaptation with acceptance of differences.

Research-Backed Context

Prevalence. Research by Hull et al. (2017) shows that camouflaging is widespread among autistic adults, especially women and gender-diverse people, who are often socialized to “fit in.”

Mental health impact. Masking is correlated with anxiety, depression, and higher suicidality (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019; Cassidy et al., 2018). The constant effort of “performing” neurotypical behavior depletes energy and contributes to autistic burnout (Raymaker et al., 2020).

Relationships. Studies highlight that non-autistic spouses often misinterpret unmasking as “mood swings” or inconsistency. In reality, differences in presentation reflect recovery from masking, not rejection (Livingston et al., 2020).

Identity. Authentic self-expression is vital for well-being. Cook et al. (2021) found that autistic adults who feel safe to unmask report greater self-esteem and relationship satisfaction.

Practical Tools

1. Expanded Masking Awareness Checklist

For the non-autistic spouse:

Does my partner act differently in public than at home?
Do I feel “shut out” when they decompress after social events?
Do I sometimes expect them to maintain behaviors (eye contact, smiling, chit-chat) that exhaust them?
Do I interpret their stimming or silence as disinterest instead of self-regulation?

For the autistic spouse:

In what settings do I feel most pressure to mask?
What are the physical and emotional costs of masking?
With whom do I feel safe enough to unmask?
What do I wish my spouse understood about why I mask?

2. Step-by-Step Plan: Creating a Safe Space for Authenticity

Educate together. Learn about masking as a survival strategy, not deception.
Discuss openly. Ask: “What parts of yourself do you feel you can’t show?”
Normalize stimming. Reframe stimming as healthy regulation, not “weird behavior.”
Designate unmasking zones. Make home, or parts of it, a place of no performance.
Build transition rituals. After social events, give permission for downtime before reconnecting.
Check in. Ask regularly: “Do you feel safe being yourself with me right now?”

3. Scripts for Common Scenarios

When noticing withdrawal at home:
“I see you’re quieter than you were with friends. I want you to know it’s okay to be however you need here.”
When planning social outings:
“I know masking drains you. Do you want a quiet break before and after the event?”
When offering reassurance:
“You don’t have to perform for me. I love you as your real self — stims, silences, and all.”

4. Journaling Prompts

For the non-autistic spouse:

“How do I feel when my partner’s ‘public self’ looks different from their ‘home self’?”
“When do I unintentionally pressure them to perform?”
“What would it look like to truly welcome authenticity?”

For the autistic spouse:

“When do I feel most exhausted from masking, and how does that affect my marriage?”
“What does ‘being myself’ look like with my partner?”
“How can I ask for decompression time without guilt?”

For both:

“How can we build rituals that honor both social obligations and recovery needs?”

Expanded Case Vignette

Context:
Janelle (non-autistic, 40) is married to Mateo (autistic, 42). At work and with friends, Mateo masks heavily — smiling, telling jokes, and maintaining eye contact. At home, he unravels: stimming in silence, avoiding small talk, and needing long recovery periods.

Janelle’s perspective:
“Sometimes it feels like he gives his best self to strangers and leaves nothing for me. I used to think he was uninterested in me when he got quiet.”

Mateo’s perspective:
“I spend all day pretending. At home, I finally drop the act. My silence means I trust her, not that I don’t care.”

Old cycle: Janelle interprets withdrawal as rejection → presses for interaction → Mateo feels attacked → masks again → grows more exhausted.

New approach: They learn about masking. Janelle reframes unmasking as intimacy. Mateo communicates: “When I stim or go silent, it means I’m safe, not that I don’t love you.” They agree on decompression rituals after work — Mateo gets 45 minutes of quiet before rejoining her for dinner.

Outcome: Misunderstandings decrease. Janelle feels honored to see Mateo’s authentic self. Mateo feels safe and less drained, leading to more quality connection.

Printable Worksheet: “Our Masking & Unmasking Agreement”

When I Mask Most

How Masking Affects Me

Drains energy
Increases anxiety
Causes guilt or irritability

Safe Behaviors at Home

Stimming freely
Silence without judgment
Wearing comfort clothing
Avoiding eye contact

Our Agreements

Allow decompression time after social events
Reassure each other that authenticity = love
Create daily check-ins to share comfort levels

Try This Today: The “Decompression Window”

After any social or work event, set aside 20–30 minutes where the autistic spouse is free to unmask without expectations. The non-autistic spouse uses this time for self-care too. Reconnect afterward with low-pressure conversation or shared activity.

Conclusion

Masking is not a sign of dishonesty — it is survival in a world that often fails to embrace difference. In marriage, unmasking is one of the most intimate gifts an autistic spouse can offer: the willingness to show their true self.

For the non-autistic spouse, understanding masking means shifting from hurt (“Why do I get the withdrawn version?”) to honor (“I’m the safe person they trust to be real with”). Together, couples can build marriages that celebrate authenticity, protect against burnout, and deepen intimacy in ways that performance never could.