An interview-excerpt from one of my Zoom sessions with an NT wife:

Posted by Mark Hutten, M.A.

An interview-excerpt from one of my Zoom sessions with an NT wife:

“Okay, I love my husband, who happens to have autism level one, but I feel so lonely in this relationship, and he seems to be mostly absorbed with work. I spend most of my waking hours entertaining myself in his absence. I've heard that syndrome called Cassandra, and it fits me just perfectly.”

Mark said:

Absolutely, I hear you, and it's definitely a real and challenging feeling. A lot of partners in relationships like this do experience something often called Cassandra Syndrome, where they feel unseen or lonely even though they love their partner. So first, just know you're not alone in feeling that way. One of the things we can do is start by talking about how to gently build more shared moments of connection, even in small ways, and how to communicate your needs to him in a way that he can understand without feeling overwhelmed. And we'll just take it step by step from there.

“OK. Can you give me some ideas of how to start small in some shape, form, or fashion in order to connect with him?”

Mark said:

Absolutely. Starting small is a really good idea, and it can make a big difference over time. So a couple of simple things you could try: maybe set aside just a short, predictable time, even like 10 or 15 minutes, where you both do a shared activity that he enjoys. It could be something like a simple puzzle, watching a short episode of a show together, or even just having a cup of tea and sharing something small about your day. The idea is just to create a little ritual of connection that feels manageable for both of you. And over time, those little moments can help bridge that feeling of loneliness and build more of a shared bond.

“And do you have any suggestions around parenting, I feel like since he's mostly at work, I really get stuck with pretty much the entire parenting load.”

Mark said:

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, and it's a really common challenge when one partner is more absorbed in work and you're feeling that parenting load on your own. So one suggestion is to start by having a really open but gentle conversation with him about just one or two specific parenting tasks where you could really use his involvement, even if it's just for a short amount of time each week. For example, maybe he could do the bedtime routine one night a week or take over a certain activity with the kids. Starting with just one small area can help him get more comfortable and can help you feel like you're sharing that load just a little bit more. And then you can build from there.

“What if he has refused to help with the kids in the past?”

Mark said:

Yeah, that can definitely be tough, and it's not uncommon to run into that kind of resistance, especially if he's been feeling a bit overwhelmed or just not sure how to engage. One gentle approach might be to really emphasize how much it means to you and to frame it as a way of connecting as a family rather than just another chore. Sometimes it's about finding a time when he's less stressed or more receptive and just sharing how even a little help could make a big difference to you. And if he's refused in the past, sometimes it just takes revisiting it in a different way or starting even smaller.

“It feels like he’s living in his own world, and I’m left out.”

Mark Said:

That feeling of being left out is very common when you’re partnered with someone on the spectrum. Autism often comes with differences in how someone processes social connection, attention, and communication. Your husband may genuinely love you deeply but may not intuitively pick up on your emotional cues or needs in the way you expect. That can feel like rejection when really, it’s a mismatch in processing styles. One of the key shifts I recommend is moving from “he should know” to “he may not notice unless I tell him directly.” This doesn’t mean lowering expectations—it means creating new strategies for connection. Think of it as translating your emotional needs into a language he can more easily process. Over time, that can lessen the sense of loneliness and increase moments of genuine connection.

“But it feels exhausting to always be the one who explains what I need. Shouldn’t he learn to meet me halfway?”

Mark Said:

You’re right—it can feel unfair if it’s only one-sided. Ideally, both partners adapt. That said, neurological differences often mean that the autistic partner may not spontaneously learn the same way a neurotypical partner does. A practical strategy is to introduce structured teaching moments. For example, instead of correcting him in the heat of an argument, you might say later, “When you looked at your phone while I was sharing my day, I felt dismissed. What I need is five minutes of your full attention.” Over time, he can learn patterns: “Phone down = partner feels valued.” It’s not about him becoming someone else—it’s about building habits that make the relationship feel more balanced.

“Sometimes when I share my feelings, he becomes defensive or shuts down. Why does he do that?”

Mark Said:

Many autistic individuals experience what we call “emotional flooding.” The brain struggles to process strong emotions quickly, especially when they’re coming from someone else. What looks like defensiveness or shutdown is often his nervous system trying to protect itself from overload. A helpful approach is pacing: breaking down emotional discussions into smaller pieces, choosing calm moments instead of high-tension ones, and even scheduling “emotional check-ins” rather than diving in spontaneously. For example, you could say: “Can we have a 15-minute talk after dinner about something on my mind?” This allows his brain to prepare, and you’ll often get a more open and less defensive response.

“It’s hard because I crave intimacy—emotional and physical—but he doesn’t seem to need it as much. How do I deal with that?”

Mark Said:

Intimacy is often one of the trickiest areas. Autism can affect sensory needs, emotional expression, and timing of desire. Your husband may absolutely value intimacy but show it differently—through routine, acts of service, or stability—rather than verbal affirmation or physical closeness in the ways you expect. The first step is clarifying what “intimacy” means to each of you. For you, it might be long conversations, touch, or spontaneous affection. For him, it may be quiet companionship or structured time together. Once you’ve mapped that out, you can negotiate: maybe he commits to initiating touch three times a week, while you respect that sensory breaks are sometimes needed. Intimacy becomes less about “he should just know” and more about creating shared rituals that work for both nervous systems.

“So is it realistic to expect deep emotional connection with him, or do I have to adjust my expectations forever?”

Mark Said:

It’s a balance. You may never get the exact style of emotional connection you’d find with another neurotypical partner—but that doesn’t mean you can’t have depth. It means the depth might look different: perhaps shorter, more focused conversations, or shared activities that create closeness without words. Many couples discover “parallel intimacy”—doing things side by side, like reading, walking, or cooking, which still fosters togetherness. At the same time, you can absolutely coach him to build specific skills—like making eye contact, offering validation phrases, or practicing affection. Think of it as expanding his toolbox rather than trying to change his wiring. Over time, couples who stick with this process often report a stronger, though uniquely flavored, intimacy.

“That helps. But what about when I feel resentment building up? I don’t want to explode, but it’s there.”

Mark Said:

Resentment is a signal, not a flaw. It tells you that a boundary has been crossed or a need has gone unmet for too long. The antidote is to catch it early and use structured communication. Try this three-step format: Observation: “I’ve noticed we haven’t had time alone in three weeks.” Feeling: “That leaves me feeling disconnected and resentful.” Request: “Can we plan a date night within the next week?” This approach avoids blame and makes the path forward clear. At the same time, you need outlets outside the marriage—journaling, therapy, or supportive friends—so resentment doesn’t build into hopelessness.

What I want you to take away today is that you’re not crazy or selfish for wanting more. Your needs are valid. At the same time, your husband’s neurology means the path to meeting those needs has to be more intentional, structured, and patient. When both partners commit—he to learning new skills, and you to communicating directly without losing yourself—marriages like yours can absolutely thrive.